Bedroom Dilemmas: How to Relax and Set Boundaries?

Hi, we’re Lara and Monika. Welcome to a new episode of the Bedroom Dilemmas series. Once again, you’ve sent us some interesting questions, so let’s get started.

How to naturally introduce a toy into sex?

My girlfriend and I bought our first couples’ toy, but once we got home, we both felt awkward. How should we introduce it into sex?

Open the toy beforehand, check its settings and instructions, and charge and clean it before using it for the first time. You can then incorporate it into foreplay or use it for clitoral stimulation.

Everything doesn’t have to be perfect the first time. Even if it feels a little awkward or funny, there’s nothing wrong with that. Making core memories.

Foreplay isn’t just an extra for me

Oh, this one is interesting. Oh dear.

My husband thinks foreplay means touching me twice and then we’re ready. But I need much more time.

Tell him that foreplay is very important to you and that you need more time to relax. Stress, children, and everyday responsibilities can also affect this.

Explain that he isn’t the problem. You simply need more time to connect with your body.

I didn’t like the toy right away

I bought a toy that everyone raves about, but it does nothing for me. Is that normal?

Yes. Try different intensity levels, speeds, and positions. Some people prefer direct clitoral stimulation, while others prefer stimulation from the side. Using lubricant may also help.

You don’t have to know whether a toy is right for you after the first use. If it still doesn’t suit you after several attempts, there’s nothing wrong with that.

My girlfriend and I have different libidos

I want sex more often than she does. How can I avoid making her feel pressured?

Having different libidos is common. Talk about it at a neutral time and find a solution that works for both of you.

If you have a higher libido, you can sometimes take care of your needs on your own. A lower libido can be influenced by stress, how someone feels in the relationship, or a lack of foreplay.

We’re all different, and not everyone has the same sex drive. It’s important to respect her feelings and boundaries.

How to set boundaries in BDSM?

My boyfriend would like to try BDSM, but I imagine it as something very extreme.

The two most important things in BDSM are:

• complete trust,
• an agreed safe word.

You need to know that your partner will stop when you ask him to. BDSM doesn’t have to be extreme. You can start with a blindfold, gentle spanking, or soft handcuffs.

Set the rules before you begin. First, talk about what BDSM means to each of you.

He wanted to film us having sex, but I said no

A guy asked if we could film ourselves having sex just for us. I said no, but then he kept trying to convince me that I could trust him.

Well, that was the point. He wanted to make you doubt yourself.

If you say no, it means no. It isn’t just about trust, but also about what you’re comfortable with.

The recording would exist somewhere. The phone could get lost, someone could gain access to it, or your relationship could change.

The fact that he kept pressuring you and tried to make you feel guilty is a major red flag. You don’t need to feel guilty for setting a boundary.

Is it normal that masturbation sometimes feels better than sex?

It’s completely normal to want time for yourself, even when you’re in a relationship. Masturbation and sex with a partner aren’t always the same thing.

As long as masturbation isn’t negatively affecting your relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it. However, it’s important to tell your partner what feels good to you.

He can’t know what kind of touch you enjoy unless you show or tell him.

I feel awkward walking into a sex toy store

Before their first visit, many people worry that it will feel uncomfortable, only to discover that it isn’t awkward at all.

Sales assistants aren’t thinking about what you’ll do with the product at home. Their job is to advise you and help you choose.

If you feel awkward, you can order the product online and select in-store pickup.

How do you overcome the embarrassment? Just go. Once you’ve visited the store, you’ll see that it isn’t as uncomfortable as you imagined.

I freeze up during sex with my new boyfriend

It’s normal to feel different with different people. Every relationship has its own dynamic, which can also be reflected in your sex life.

You may have forgotten that things were a little awkward at first with your previous partner too.

Give yourselves time to get to know each other and discover what each of you enjoys.

Chances are, you’re not the only one. People just rarely say it out loud.

Because there are no stupid questions when it comes to sexuality. There are only questions that aren’t discussed enough.