Bedroom Dilemmas: Is Shower Sex Overrated and Lube Underrated?

Hi, Lara and Monika here, and welcome to a new episode of the Bedroom Dilemmas series. Once again, we’ve received quite a few interesting questions, so let’s get started.

I’m really curious who the first person was who said, “Let’s try sex in the shower,” because for us that was honestly a real challenge.

Do you have any tips for sex in the shower?

Okay, from my own experience I can say that sex in the shower is definitely quite a challenge. Especially if you’re very different in height. You need to be in good physical shape; maybe that would already be the first tip.

Build up your muscles and strength a bit. Otherwise, I think shower sex is really overrated. As in, in movies it all looks super hot, steam everywhere and bodies rubbing together. But when you actually try it, there’s nowhere to hold on to. For example, my partner is quite a bit taller than me, so he has to lower himself a lot, and I’m on my toes. I mean, it’s all good, but I do think the whole thing is actually quite a challenge.

My advice would be to get your stamina ready and work on your strength. And also use lubricant, because water naturally rinses everything away a bit and makes it harder.

• Physical fitness - because shower sex can be more demanding than it looks.
• Silicone lubricant - because it doesn’t wash off with water as quickly.
• Foreplay in the shower - the shower can be a great start, and you can continue somewhere more comfortable.

Silicone lubricant, so it doesn’t rinse off with water. That would be my advice for those two things. Basically, those are the only two tips you can give. As she said, shower sex is really overrated. I feel the same way. In reality, it usually isn’t like that.

I think it can be really great foreplay. You can soap each other up and rub against each other - body to body play with different oils. But it’s not that it isn’t good, you just have to put in much more effort. There are far fewer comfortable positions. Maybe do foreplay in the shower and then continue elsewhere. In a bathtub it’s totally different. Especially if it’s a corner tub where you can sit on the edge. Let’s go. Maybe you can try that. Buy a bathtub. Buy a bathtub.

That’s our advice. No, but seriously, it’s really overrated. In reality it isn’t all that amazing, wow, and everything, once you actually try it.

So yes, physical fitness and silicone lubricant. Otherwise, as I already said: it can be foreplay, maybe oral sex, showering together can also be nice and all that. But to say here that...

Maybe you’ll figure out a position that’s comfortable for both of you. It also depends on the height difference. But yes.

Is prostate stimulation really as good an experience as some people describe? How should I start if I’m still a beginner?

Didn’t we have something about this in the last episode, I think? Now, for beginners. Often.

But yes, prostate stimulation wouldn’t actually be that good if it weren’t genuinely really good. Most people describe it that way. For beginners, maybe start with a finger first, and lubricant is a must. If you use toys, they should be really small at the beginning. Maybe even a set, so you can try different sizes. Start slowly and without pressure; you can try with a finger first, lubricant is essential, and if you use a toy, choose a smaller size. It can also help to try it in the shower, because you may feel more relaxed.

You can wash yourself if that makes you more comfortable, or, for example, these kinds of things can be good to try in the shower.

You’re more relaxed. For those of you who are a bit more afraid of things getting messy, you can rinse everything away there. So maybe we should include that too.

Why do so many people use lubricant, even if they don’t have any problems? Is there really such a big difference in how it feels?

There is actually quite a difference in how it feels. In principle, even if we put toys aside for now, where you need it anyway, a penis isn’t exactly wet on its own either, unless you moisten it beforehand with oral sex or something. A lot of people only start using lubricant after they try it once. When they start using it, they see how much of a difference it really makes, because it really reduces friction.

Entry into the vagina is much easier with it. And it’s also not just about using it if you have problems; it really reduces friction, reduces the chance of those micro-injuries, not that this happens all the time or anything, but only after you try it do you see that there really is a difference. Especially with anal sex.

There it’s definitely not a case of saying, “I use it because I have a problem,” but simply that one area doesn’t lubricate, the penis doesn’t lubricate, and it just doesn’t work any other way than using lubricant.

• It reduces friction.
• Entry can be easier and more pleasant.
• It isn’t only meant for when you have problems.
• For anal sex, it’s practically essential.
• It can be a simple upgrade to the sensation.

Many people think you only really need lubricant if you genuinely have some issues, if there isn’t enough natural lubrication or whatever. But no, lubricant is actually like an extra. An upgrade, yes. So there really is a difference. Even those of you who maybe don’t have issues with natural lubrication or anything like that. Try it if you haven’t yet, and you’ll really see that there’s a noticeable difference, especially before that first entry into the vagina.

I think it’s cool.

What is the actual difference between penis enlargement products?

I’m really interested in what the actual difference is between all the penis enlargement products. When you start looking at pumps, extenders, rings, gels, you quickly realize that each one has a slightly different purpose and effect. So I’m wondering what is actually most useful for what.

I think it’s best if we just go through them one by one.

Penis pumps

There are lots of different penis pumps. Some are more basic, meaning you just put it on, make sure it’s positioned correctly, pump it, and basically a vacuum is created. I would recommend these kinds of pumps more before sex or during sex for a bit of play. But if you really want to actively work on enlarging your penis, then there are Bathmate pumps.

With this, or however you approach using pumps to enlarge your penis, it’s basically like training muscles. You really have to do it regularly, for a certain amount of time per day. It’s good to measure yourself, write it down, and so on, just like regular training when you get a program.

You do it, you progress, and you also know that if you stop, things will go back. So that’s it when it comes to pumps.

Extenders or penis sleeves

In this way, extenders, meaning penis sleeves. There are also several different types; the difference is maybe more in how you put them on.

Some also have something for the testicles, so it holds everything a little more, and maybe some people also like that feeling. This is for during penetration itself. Some people like it, some don’t. I also remember, back when I worked in the shop, an older couple came in, and he had some erection difficulties, so they used this to help. Also in the sense that he then wore the sleeve and went down into that sheath. Some sheaths are made to add only girth, some also length, some can be cut to size, so there’s also a lot of choice here, including in materials.

Rings

Rings are basically good for making an erection longer-lasting and harder, and for extra stimulation. So rings are not really for actual enlargement as such.

No, not really. They basically just keep blood in the penis. Maybe because of that it can look a little more prominent.

Gels, creams and exercises

Now, as for gels, creams and anything else like that, it depends. Some are for regular use, where it’s similar to a pump: if you do it or use it regularly, there can be some difference. Then there are also ones that you use only before intercourse, which create a short-term increase at that moment.

For these exercises, called jelqing, there is a specific technique where Titangel is useful. It’s recommended to do that movement where you basically stretch in a certain way.

Then, this isn’t mentioned here, but there is also something like, I don’t know how to say it, a penis extender, or it looks like a kind of cage, a penis stretcher. I think it’s Male Edge.

People use that, and in general the reviews for it are quite good. But if I were to do this, I would definitely choose a Bathmate pump and do the exercises regularly with that pump, as recommended. These are a bit more expensive, but they’re really good because there are also different sizes and you can really adapt the whole experience.

Basically, worth the money.

Now, are the results permanent, does it stay that way? No, you simply have to keep doing it regularly. This also applies to pumps and gels, basically to all of this.

During sex I got the feeling that I needed to pee. Is something wrong with me?

Once during sex I got the feeling that I needed to pee, and I completely panicked and stopped everything. Later I read that this can be connected to squirting, and now I don’t even know what’s what anymore. Is something wrong with me?

Okay, here yes, it’s possible that you just needed to pee. That’s nothing unusual. As for squirting, that is exactly it. Here too, it can feel like you need to pee, and then when squirting actually happens, you feel that release of pressure, so it could have been one or the other. Yes, you simply can’t really know.

I think here you need to start recognizing your body’s needs a little better yourself. Or, for example, if it happens again, try going to the bathroom, go pee, and then see. In my opinion, that’s the best advice. Because the feeling of squirting itself isn’t... Many women think that squirting is an orgasm, but it isn’t. Basically, it’s just a nice kind of release.

It doesn’t necessarily happen at exactly the same time as an orgasm. It depends a lot on the woman.

Is something wrong with me? No, nothing is wrong. You can actually feel the urge to pee during sex because that area is also being rubbed, and it can simply make you need to pee.

That’s nothing unusual. It’s especially recommended to pee after sex, so that if there are any bacteria, everything gets flushed out nicely. And that doesn’t mean you can’t get a sexually transmitted infection that way, so don’t take my words out of context now. We’re talking about various impurities and things like that.

Is there too much pressure around anal sex because of pornography?

I’m wondering whether other people also feel that there is way too much pressure around anal sex because of pornography. The advice is also how to start with anal sex if I have no experience yet. We already talked about this earlier. Yes, first try with a finger. Lubricant is, of course, absolutely essential and all of that, as we said before. But otherwise, yes, of course other people also feel that there is way too much pressure around it. I think pornography really creates this feeling of pressure, that anal sex has to be some huge thing, that it has to be good, and that you can put all sorts of things in there.

It just isn’t. That’s not reality.

I think there’s a lot of pressure here too, or not even pressure, but a wrong belief that a guy just comes along and puts it in and that’s it. It’s not like that at all. Especially if you’re just starting with it. Performers prepare beforehand, wear plugs in advance, and go into it that way. They do it repeatedly and so on.

When it comes to anal sex itself, the idea that it has to be something really wild just isn’t true. Anal sex can also be very romantic if you do it that way. It’s still closeness with your partner, it’s still intimate contact, and it doesn’t have to be something like that.

How to start?

• If you want, you can wash beforehand if that makes you feel more comfortable.
• Prepare wipes, a towel, or anything that helps you feel more relaxed.
• Use lubricant.
• Maybe start with a finger first.
• Add other stimulation too, if it helps you relax more.

I don’t know, a bullet, for the clitoris or whatever, or oral sex, and then he can maybe slip a little there too. Not without lubricant. But yes, with a finger, absolutely.

It’s really good if you maybe just try it beforehand yourself. It might not be the same kind of pleasure as when someone else does it to you, because you can’t tickle yourself. But just so you can explore a bit what it feels like to have something inside.

Why do people find sex in public places attractive?

Why do people find sex in public places attractive? I would never dare try something like that.

Why is it attractive to them? Yes, basically it’s usually not so much the place itself as the feeling that someone could catch them, or the feeling of doing something forbidden. Because all those things that are like, “Ooh, that’s forbidden,” pump you full of adrenaline.

And basically that’s what turns you on, the idea that you could be caught. A lot of people would actually be scared if someone really saw them. That’s also a whole discussion of its own, because if someone sees you, they didn’t consent to watch, especially if it involves certain sensitive groups of people. But yes, it’s more attractive to them because it’s simply something forbidden, because there’s a chance someone might catch you, and so on.

I would definitely say that some people also genuinely like the place where the sex happens. I don’t know, a forest, a meadow. You can still get caught there too, but maybe it’s a bit more aesthetic if you’re more into nature-type things.

If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. And that’s that. Nothing unusual about it.

How do you know when a toy is no longer suitable for use?

I’m interested in how you know when a toy is no longer suitable for use. We have quite a few toys, they’re already several years old, and I’m afraid we maybe shouldn’t be using them anymore.

Yes, I would say when you can no longer clean the toy properly, and it’s sticky, for example, that can happen, and so on. Then you know it may really no longer be suitable for use. So if it looks and feels like there are some changes. I think that basically, when you pick a toy up or when you use it, you very quickly notice with your senses that something is different. You feel a change.

But to simply say, “Yes, it’s old, it’s been in a box there, I don’t even know what it looks like, it’s this and this old,” and then immediately say it’s no longer good, I wouldn’t do it that way. It also depends a bit on how you store it, what materials it’s made from, they vary. It’s always good for toys to be stored in a dark, dry, not too warm, or rather cooler place.

I recommend actually looking at it. If there are any changes, as you said, if it’s sticky, if it’s discolored, or even if just one part is discolored. Some can no longer be cleaned properly. With some very old materials, things start sticking to the surface. And then, yes, no. So yes, you can see and feel these changes on the toy.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean that if the toys are really old, they all need to be thrown away. You first really need to check whether there are any changes.

Is sex during pregnancy actually safe?

Is sex during pregnancy actually safe, because I feel like everyone says something different about it?

Since I’ve been pregnant myself, I can speak from my own experience. Basically, once my belly started showing, we didn’t have sex, but not for safety reasons; it was because neither of us found it comfortable. The baby was inside, the penis was inside, and neither of us found the idea especially attractive, so we simply didn’t. But yes, now, if the pregnancy is healthy, if there is no restriction from a gynecologist, there shouldn’t be a problem, because the baby is nicely protected inside the uterus. Adjust positions if anything feels uncomfortable, and of course don’t do anything that doesn’t feel good.

But if it’s a healthy pregnancy, if it’s approved by a doctor, then in principle there’s no problem. You can still be intimate together.

Now, if bed rest is prescribed, if we’re talking about early pregnancy, any bleeding or things like that, it’s always good to consult someone. If you’re not sure, ask at your check-up: “Is everything okay, do I have the green light for sex?” And that’s it. But in principle, it isn’t automatically forbidden.

I think people say different things because everyone has a different experience and everyone also experiences sex during pregnancy differently. Some don’t feel like it at all, some do. Some may have had a risk at the beginning of pregnancy or some bleeding, and they received advice from their gynecologist saying, “Better not,” and then passed that on. These things are always good to check with a doctor. But the idea that sex is forbidden just because you’re pregnant? No.

It’s not: “Now I’m pregnant, so I’m not allowed to have sex.”

Is it normal to still discover new things about yourself, your desires and your relationship with sex after many years?

We have one last question, and it is: is it normal that after many years you’re still discovering new things about yourself, your desires and your relationship with sex? Because I feel like only in my 30s did I really start understanding what feels good to me.

Yes, it’s normal, of course. You discover this almost your whole life. You can always discover something new. That’s completely normal, even if it’s only in your 30s or 40s, or even later. Everyone experiences this differently, and it’s really normal.

I think the 30s are especially like that. It takes time to develop a bit as a person and to really learn what suits you and what doesn’t. Especially because there is so much taboo around it. Some people don’t touch themselves at all, they don’t masturbate, and I think the 30s really are that kind of period, or around 30, some earlier, some later, when you relax more around these topics. When you already have some experience, when you perhaps dare to try certain things a bit more, when you finally look between your legs in the mirror and so on. So yes, some earlier, some later, but I don’t think you discover one default setting of your body once and then want that for the rest of your life.

There are so many different things here that you can try.

I also think, for example, if something suits you in your 20s and then in your 30s you discover that something completely different does. That can change too. It can change, things can be added. Also, for example, if you have one partner for a while and then another, that second person can introduce you to some other things. These can be fantasies, positions, ideas, always in the direction of consent. I think a lot also depends on when you start exploring, who you start exploring with, and how much you dared before.

But it is never too late to discover new things.

That’s a great thought to end on.

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