Bedroom Dilemmas: BDSM, Fantasies, and Safe First-Time Sex

Hi and welcome to a new episode of Bedroom Dilemmas. We're Lara and Monika, and today we're once again answering your anonymous questions.

Can partners switch roles in BDSM?

Of course. Some people are always dominant, others are submissive, while some are switches, meaning they change roles.

What matters is that both partners agree and discuss their desires. It only becomes a problem if one person does not want to switch roles.

My partner initiates sex at the wrong time

My partner always initiates sex when I'm tired, after work, or right before bed, and then gets offended when I turn him down.

Tell him that you are not rejecting him because you do not want him, but because you are tired at those times. Rejection is not necessarily directed at your partner.

Try to find a time that works for both of you. When you have more energy, you can also make the first move. He may prefer the time before bed because that is when he finally relaxes, but that does not mean it has to work for you too.

My partner fantasizes about my friend

My partner admitted that he has a fantasy involving my friend. He said it was just a fantasy, but now I don't know how to look at him.

Many people fantasize about people they find visually attractive. That does not mean they actually want to pursue something with them.

Perhaps he chose your friend because you know and trust her, and you would feel safer with her than with a stranger. Still, it is understandable that this made you feel jealous.

The best approach is to calmly ask him why he chose her specifically. If you are still uncomfortable with the idea after talking about it, the answer is simply no.

I'm attracted to the idea of an older man

Is it normal to be attracted to the idea of an older man even though I would not actually be with one?

Fantasies often remain in our minds, and that is completely normal. We can be aroused by something we would never do in real life.

Still, you can think about what attracts you to older men or to this particular fantasy.

I need increasingly intense pornographic content

What matters most is how this affects your real life. It could be a problem if you also needed increasingly extreme stimulation during sex and could no longer enjoy regular sex.

Pornography is not reality. Because what you are watching is not happening to you, you may need stronger stimulation.

Ask yourself:

• Does this happen only with pornography?
• Does it also affect your sex life?
• Does it make it harder for you to enjoy sex?

If everything is fine in real life, it is not necessarily a problem.

I kissed a woman, and now I can't stop thinking about it

I kissed a woman at a party, I have a boyfriend, and I don't know what it means.

First, think about the boundaries you have established in your relationship. For some people, kissing someone else is cheating; for others, it is not.

It is also important to consider why you are thinking about it. Are you worried about your boyfriend's reaction, or did you enjoy the kiss? Perhaps you keep thinking about it because it was a new experience and you surprised yourself.

One kiss does not mean you have to leave your boyfriend or that you are a lesbian. And if you discover that you are also attracted to women, there is nothing wrong with that either.

I can't relax after a bad experience with protection

Since we do not know what the bad experience was, it is difficult to give a specific answer. However, it is understandable that you feel afraid afterward.

One bad experience does not mean the same thing will happen every time. Take your time and talk to your partner about your feelings.

Take things slowly, with longer foreplay and gentle, unhurried sex. It is important to gradually regain your sense of safety.

I can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation

Many women reach orgasm most easily—or even exclusively—through clitoral stimulation. This is completely normal.

You can also try positions that provide multiple types of stimulation, but there is nothing wrong with preferring direct clitoral stimulation.

What does it mean when a toy is waterproof?

It depends on its water-resistance rating. Some toys can only be cleaned under running water, while others can be used in the shower or even submerged in water.

Before use, check:

• the water-resistance rating,
• the manufacturer's instructions,
• whether the toy is suitable for shower use or submersion.

If you are unsure, always check the product description or the manufacturer's instructions.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex for the first time?

Take your time and talk to your partner before having sex. Even if you decide to try, you can say no and stop at any time.

Before having sex for the first time, learn about:

• protection,
• sexually transmitted infections,
• possible consequences.

Do not have sex with someone just because your partner wants to or because you feel pressured by your friends. Do it when you want to, feel safe, and trust the person.

Better later than too soon.

That's all for today. Thank you to everyone who sent us questions.