BDSM basics everyone should know.

The meaning of the BDSM acronym

BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

In Slovenian, that means binding and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism.

A lot of different things fall under this acronym. But that doesn’t mean everyone who practices it does everything listed. People are usually interested in just certain things - sometimes only one.

Sex isn’t necessarily part of BDSM

BDSM doesn’t have to be connected to sex. For some, the power play and submission alone are enough. And if you only want to be dominated, you can turn to professionals who do this. Women are called Dommes and men Doms; they offer various services, but sex usually isn’t one of them.

Doms and subs

In BDSM there’s usually someone who’s dominant and someone who’s submissive. There are also people who can be both. They’re called switches and they switch between the two.

But the essence of BDSM is still that some enjoy being in control and others enjoy yielding control. And that both - or all - participants enjoy it. A submissive doesn’t submit to spanking just because the dominant enjoys it; they also find their own satisfaction in it.

Communication is key!

The main pillar of BDSM is communication, because that’s the only way to build trust. And if you want to hand someone control, trust is the most important factor. You also need communication if you’re the one doing the dominating.

Agreements and communication are a very big and important part of this scene - much more than someone new to it might realize.

Play smart

If you want to say you know something about BDSM, you should know these two acronyms: SSC and RACK.

In the BDSM scene there’s a strong emphasis on safety and the satisfaction of all participants. But because play can sometimes be risky, the idea is: "You need to be aware of all the risks and minimize them as much as possible."

Here’s an example. When you go to the beach, there’s a risk of getting sunburned. You’re aware of that risk, so you put on sunscreen to avoid getting burned.

With BDSM you make sure no one chokes while wearing a gag. You need to be aware that it can make swallowing saliva harder, so you ensure a suitable position so the submissive doesn’t choke. Keep checking the whole time that everything’s OK.

And finally, the most important thing: consent.

It encompasses both acronyms mentioned above and means that all participants must absolutely agree to everything that will happen and is happening. If something makes someone uncomfortable, they simply don’t take part in that activity.

Safe words

In BDSM you can always, at any point, say no / that’s enough / let’s stop.

If that happens, everything stops. No second thoughts and no negotiating. No one should ever say: "Come on, just a bit more - you said you wanted this." NO. That has no place with anyone who practices BDSM correctly.

A submissive may resist, but only as part of the scene. And because of that, words like STOP / DON’T / I DON’T WANT TO don’t carry much meaning. Instead, there are so‑called safe words. Safe words are agreed in advance, and when they’re used you know it’s time to stop. Usually it’s a short word - something you’d never otherwise say in that situation. Fruit or vegetables are often a safe choice.

Many people also use colors. The most popular are:

• Red means stop
• Yellow means "ease up a bit, please" and
• Green means "keep going!"

Just like a traffic light!

Sometimes someone can’t speak. But even then you have to be able to signal you want to stop. In such cases you can use a small bell or a ball you drop to the floor as a sign to stop.

Red room

If you’ve watched Fifty Shades of Grey, you might think you need a room full of gear if you’re into BDSM. But that’s not quite true. Especially if you’re just getting to know it and don’t even know whether you’ll like it. To start, a hand or a wooden spoon for spanking, a silk tie instead of cuffs, and similar simple items can be enough.

Of course, it’s not smart to use just anything that comes to hand. Not every rope - or a rusty chain - is suitable. And you don’t have to buy everything at once. It’s perfectly fine to build your collection gradually.

If you’re not sure where to buy gear, we have a special BDSM category and lots to choose from! You’ll learn more about BDSM accessories in an upcoming video.

Aftercare

In BDSM, the time after a scene is very important. This is called aftercare - time dedicated to bringing you back down to earth. Different people need different aftercare, so it’s important to agree in advance on what each person needs so everyone feels good.

Aftercare can be cuddling, talking, a massage, care for any minor marks, watching a movie, or anything else that soothes you and lets you know your partner cares about you.

This video really only covers the basics of BDSM. If you feel this could be something for you, I urge you to research every activity you want to try. To practice BDSM safely you need a lot of knowledge, and it’s good to get information from as many different sources as possible. You can find plenty of great info online - read a book, an article… and best of all, attend an in‑person workshop.